I thought I’d have a little bit of fun and approach this from a slightly humorous angle, as opposed to my usual getting on a weblog and bitching.
In compiling this list I’ve left out the most obvious, which includes such gems as
are you happy to…
d’ya wanna…
and the many gratuitous and deliberate overuses of the word “need”.
That really annoying hand waving thing that people do to get one’s attention (and honest to God, everybody who has done it in all the places I’ve worked have done it exactly the same way) also deserves to be on the list, and should be punishable by involuntary amputation – it’s not like these people do any work anyway.
So, in my seven going on eight years of commercial web development experience, here is my personal top 5 list of dreaded things people in the world of IT – usually project managers and other people who have no clue about the Internet – tend to say when I’m on the job.
5. “This shouldn’t take long.”
Usually spoken by someone who hasn’t touched a line of HTML, yet want to tell someone who has how to do their job. This actually hasn’t been said in my presence very often, but the majority of commercial work I’ve done has had to be done in very short timeframes – by people who sum up huge chunks of work as “do that” and “get that done” – and usually these people had absolutely no idea how long their pipe dreams would take to realise, not even counting the frequency that they change their minds.
This statement is one of the main reasons why I’m no longer an employee (despite how recruitment people and some clients like to frame it), and why I’d prefer to be paid for my results rather than my time.
4. “Can I leave that with you?”
Along with its synonyms,
“Is that okay?”
and
“any questions?”
this statement has only one purpose: to back someone into a corner, where the only way out of the uncomfortable situation is to agree to whatever this other person wants. Note how it’s often accompanied by multiple stares, and perhaps something being slid or thrust in your direction.
Here’s a challenge: the next time someone approaches you with either of those statements, tell them “no”. I’ll bet my entire month’s earnings that the response will be one of the following:
- the other person being thrown for a loop;
- laughter, followed by them dropping something on your desk and walking off anyway;
- acting as if you’re speaking a language other than English.
3. “I’ve just sent you an email…”
“…which makes the email redundant, doesn’t it?”
I haven’t actually said that to anyone, but that’s what usually passes through my mind.
I mean, the purpose of an email is to send textual (and maybe graphical) information, especially when time is short and there’s a looming deadline. So what’s the point of being approached by the same person who sent it, when all they’re going to do is take up your personal space and repeat exactly the same things they wrote in the email, almost word for word?
Don’t get me wrong: it can be very useful to have someone explain things in person. But again, it makes sending the email redundant, to the point where it’s just an excuse to interrupt someone and get in their face – even when there’s a looming deadline, and full concentration is required.
2. “It’s standard.” (or “It’s normal.”)
One of the definitions of the word “standard” is the flag an army carried into battle in olden times, which was basically their identification. But hardly anyone in the world of IT goes to war, “standards” are those things the higher ups insist that everybody below them follow to the letter.
I’ve already established in an earlier post, The Mask of Normality, that one interpretation of the term “normal” is average: being middle-of-the-road.
“Standards” in the world of IT usually rear their ugly heads when it comes to bits of work a client wants to squeeze out of a contractor/freelancer (specifically) without even thinking of compensating them. I remember in one particular place I worked a few years ago, some guy suggested that print stylesheets were “standard” (which is funny, because I’ve rarely ever had to make them since), so I had to include them as part of my pathetically small rate.
“Normal” is mostly something that comes up with recruitment people, especially regarding rates and payment frequencies. One of them even suggested that waiting eight or so weeks to be paid – which was never mentioned until around six weeks into the job – was “normal”. That someone’s company hasn’t been dealt with since.
What someone’s basically saying when they hide behind “standards” and “normality”, in any context, is the following:
We’re happy to follow what we think “everybody else” is doing.
In short, they’re hiding behind numbers. And by using numbers against you, with phrases such as
nobody else has had a problem with it, you’re the only one that does
they’re trying to bully you into compliance. Trust me, that’s exactly what they’re doing.
But the most dreaded statement of all in my book, the one you can never forget – no matter how much it cries, no matter how much it begs…
1. “You’ll figure it out.”
In the most unforgivable instance I’ve ever come across, I’m naming and shaming OgilvyAction: former workplace as both an employee and a freelancer. I remember being sat at a Mac (real web developers use PCs, thank you very much), trying to figure out how to implement certain functionality, and I really got stuck.
One of the project “managers”, when I’d mentioned I was having difficulty, basically said,
“you’ll figure it out”
before basically laughing at me in a sickening, mocking tone.
As someone who has made a career from scratch out of problem-solving, and has had to learn many different aspects of web development with virtually no help or assistance, “you’ll figure it out” is one of the most sick statements I could be told – especially in a so-called “team” environment – because it’s basically telling me,
“I’m not going to help you.”
Further down the line, these people then have the nerve to complain about my communication skills, the fact I don’t bother asking for help, and that (for the most part) I just want to be left alone to do my thing.
Can you think of any more dreaded statements? I want to hear them.
When I was younger, like most people I wanted to become rich and famous. But instead of doing something ordinary like singing or acting, in my case I would become a world-famous animator and possibly movie maker, who got to travel the world and walk on red carpets with the stars, do interviews where I talked about all those people who’d wronged me in the past, and spend most of my time in my luxurious home with a girl who could suck like Dyson. (Okay, I made that last bit up.)
Feedback