Ever since I became interested in social interactions between men and women – but by no means am I positioning myself as an “expert” or “guru” – I looked back on all those failed attempts at “friendship” with females. You know: when they tell the guy that he’s so nice, but she just wants to be friends… while having a train ran on her by the local and surrounding counties’ football teams.
There were some definite patterns in each of their behaviour, and this is what this post is about. Feel free to agree or disagree with the list, but I guarantee you’ve never seen anything like this on the Internet, because nobody else has talked about it.
We’re starting from the point where a guy has expressed their interest in a girl, gotten rejected, and (for some reason) decided that being “friends” with her is better than nothing.
1. She becomes uncomfortable.
The guy might not notice the change for anywhere between an hour and a week after dropping the bombshell, but the girl has already developed feelings of discomfort around him. Here she was, with a “nice guy” she can treat as a “gay” male friend, just as she liked it – then he has to go and shake things up by revealing his interest in her.
Some females are able to keep up the pretense for quite some time, but eventually it crumbles. Even after the rejection, and despite what’s gone on in the guy’s head, the fact he thought about her in a sexual way changed everything – and she can no longer view him in the same light.
2. She becomes ignorant.
During this time the girl is – 99/100 times – looking (really putting herself “out there”) for other, more mainstream male suitors than the guy “friend”. The girl will become oblivious and deliberately ignorant of anything the guy does to gain her attention.
It might start with the girl refusing to hang out with the guy as often as they used to, giving other people in her life far higher priority. She’ll gradually ignore the guy more and more, refusing to contact him, acknowledge his presence, or even take notice of his role as a “friend”. For bonus points, she’ll occasionally seek relationship advice – specifically about men she’s interested in – from him.
The telltale sign of a guy being at this stage is when the female pretends she has no idea what the guy is talking about, suggests he has a screw loose, and acts as if she had no idea he liked her in that way.
3. She becomes angry or “offended”.
When the ignorance stage has no effect, the next strategy is feigning offence: pretending that everything the guy says and does is wrong, out of line and offensive. Physical contact becomes off limits, and trying to speak to her at all will result in a portion of silent treatment or a side of defensiveness. Perhaps the guy will be accused of being too demanding or clingy.
Any mention by the guy to the girl of what’s going on in his own life, will inevitably lead to the “you’re so negative” rant: you know the one, where the guy is told how he should “get out there” and find someone else to be interested in.
It’s in this premeditated rant that the guy should realise just how little he actually means to the girl, in no uncertain terms.
4. She becomes involved.
If “let’s just be friends” is considered a soft rejection, whatever that would mean, being called “negative” – which is really nothing more than social shaming – is a hard rejection. I’ll bet you my life savings that, as soon as the girl drops the “you’re so negative” speech, she’s become involved with someone else – and has had them lined up for a while.
For good measure, she might mention this new person every chance she gets: how much this new guy has, what he does for her, what she does for him sexually… everything to suggest this new guy is so much better than the “friend”.
5. She becomes a ghost.
Ultimately most females’ idea of “friendship” with males seems to be, take whatever they can get until something better comes along. Since something better has come along, they have no more use for the “friend”.
At that point they’ll walk off and disappear. No goodbyes, no warnings, no notice – nothing.
The sudden disappearing act actually serves a purpose: if that better option for some reason doesn’t work out, all of a sudden the girl will reappear to the guy “friend”, acting as if she never left. She’ll appear to be wiser and more down-to-earth than before, claiming to understand how the “friend” felt when she ignored him, and perhaps even teasing him with suggestions she’s willing to go out with him after all.
In reality she’s once again using the guy as a safety net, in preparation for jumping right back into the she becomes involved stage with the next better option.
This is likely the last the guy will ever see of the girl.
What you can do (as the guy)
While it’s definitely possible for a male and a female to remain platonic friends, I’ve found out the hard way, several times over, that real friendship between a male and female is near impossible when they don’t like each other in the same way. The evidence, as I’d mentioned back in my post about bulls*** rejection lines, is a whole bunch of female “friends” that no longer exist.
The only thing I can suggest, if you ever find yourself in the above situation, is to be honest with yourself: would you really be content with being this other person’s friend, knowing you wanted to be so much more? If not, I’d highly recommend cutting your losses and rejecting their “friendship”.
Whether you’re male or female, one thing you don’t need in your life is someone you’re interested in who ultimately sees you as a gay acquaintance (or a straight acquaintance if you’re gay) they can dump their issues on, but won’t do a thing for you. It’s especially important to think this way if your circle of friends, particularly of the opposite sex, is small.