Some People Don’t Want You To Succeed.

Now a popular YouTube video:

I’m aware of my online reputation, mainly through my posts on DREWspective, of being “negative” and somewhat destructive, neither of which is not what I’m really about. On occasion I’ve voiced opinions, all coming from experience, which on the surface sound like bullshit – and sometimes they turn out to be wrong. But If there’s anything you guys learn from me, if there’s a single thing you take away from my experiences, it’s hopefully this one “absolute” truth:

Some people don’t want you to succeed.

I mention this because, as someone who used to be engrossed in the whole self-help/motivational/”positive thinking” thing, there’s been a lot of talk about how people are solely responsible for their own successes and failures, and the idea that everybody else is completely innocent and 100% whiter-than-white. Although that circuit is thankfully dying out, they’ve succeeded in installing that mindset into the mainstream – meaning almost everybody you know is talking about “positive thinking” and people “being so negative”, while quite frankly being hypocrites.

While it is ultimately up to each person to produce and aim for success, whatever success means for them, I know for a fact this over-simplified, sloganised doctrine isn’t true. I’ve mentioned before that I’m a believer in fate, and the idea that people shape other people’s lives.
But even leaving aside personal beliefs: other people definitely play a role in where someone ultimately ends up, whether good or bad. It’s other people who decide whether someone gets a record deal, or whether a painting gets bought, a book gets published, a loan gets approved, or anything else of significance. It’s other people who decide to make friends or make fun of a particular person, gang up with or against a person, and say good or bad things about a person behind their backs. And whether anyone agrees with me or not, what other people do may or may not have anything to do with the person they’re affecting. They do, however, make a choice.

People who don’t want you (personally) to succeed fall into two categories, both of which I mentioned in a (unfortunately deleted) post:

Those who insist you change.

These people formed an image of how they expect you to be, and they try everything in the book to get you to fit that image – usually by assassinating and criticising the person you are right now.

Why can’t you be like everybody else/your brother/your sister/him/her?

You “need” to be more positive/confident/outgoing/loud!

If you don’t [do this or that] nobody will come near you!

As is typical, they hide behind “tough love” and “speaking their mind”, sometimes ganging up on you with other people, in the name of “trying to help”.
But the irony is, whether or not you do try to fit this vague image of what these people expect you to be, they still won’t like you. They’ve already made up their mind that you’re not in with their crowd; they just want to destroy any confidence you have in yourself. And if you want proof that this is the case: note how these people act in “packs”, involving and/or poisoning other people against you.

Those who insist you don’t change.

While the aforementioned people are very vocal, these people are very, very stealthy. What they do is try to convince you that you’re “fine as you are”, and that you shouldn’t have to change for anybody. Sounds innocent enough, right?
Well let’s think about this for a second. There’s a saying in the self-help circles:

If you’re green, you’re growing. If you’re ripe, you’re rotting.

If a person isn’t changing or adapting to different circumstances, they’re essentially not growing: they’re staying in exactly the same position as they were yesterday; three weeks ago; three years go. This means they’re staying exactly the same person as they were before, which means they become predictable.
These people who don’t want you to change want you to stay the same, not because they like you, but because they like what they can get from you. They see you like most employers, recruitment people and anybody who doesn’t value people see you: as a resource.
A very questionable manager once said to me about freelancers (while on the job):

I’ll use them and use them and use them, until they’re no longer available.

Both kinds of people have one thing in common:

They BOTH have a vested interest in you staying the same.

This is because if something about you changed, things around you would also have to change – including other people, and them.

These people trying to fit or keep you inside a mould are comfortable: they like things exactly as they are, because they get what they want as long as things are the way they are. These people often hide behind the mantra “that’s just the way it is” or “that’s life” as an endorsement of how things are right now, because it benefits them.

Being exposed to change of any kind would disrupt their world as it is, and that scares them because they don’t like the idea of losing what they have. If someone else became successful, it would put them in an awkward position of “why am I not successful too?”
Even the first group, who say they want you to change into someone else – usually instantly – are really just trying to put you down and convince you you’re no good, so that you’ll withdraw and won’t want to (or be able to) change anyway.

Of course if you do become successful, both kinds of people will be happy to act like nothing’s happened. All of a sudden they’ve had your back all along, lying in wait to see what more they can get from you.

You probably knew all this already, and maybe you wanted someone to say it out loud or publicly. You might at one point in your life have been surrounded by people whom you knew didn’t want you to succeed, and did everything in their power to make sure you suffered and would never recover. Maybe you’ve been around people who’ve liked nothing more than to kill your unborn dreams – then criticise you for being unmotivated.

This is my core message

Be very careful who you have in your team. And I’m not talking about mainstream, populist shit like “positive” and “negative” people. Be careful whom you confide in; whom you trust; whom you’d expect to have your back when things get rough; who represents you. I’m dead serious when I suggest that the wrong people in your life can and will kill you – if not literally then from within.

People who want you to succeed are people who accept you for who you are, right now, including your shortcomings. They’re not out for what they can get from you. They don’t insist that you change to suit them, and they don’t insist you not change because it suits them; instead they encourage you to be the best person you can be. That’s the kind of person you want on your team if you want to achieve your goals and dreams. Sadly, in this selfish society, I don’t think there’s many of them around.

I want to hear your opinions, and perhaps your experiences, on this subject. If you have something to say please please please post a comment. And good luck in whatever it is you’re trying to achieve.

62 comments in response...

  1. Michelle says:

    Drew you are so right! I seriously do not believe anyone wants anyone to succeed deep down. Take this job interview I had, I wanted to test the waters…so the day before I told my mother, sister and my friend in California about it…why within in minutes the interview was cancelled. I think people do not really want you to succeed at all because they would be so jealous that you are doing much better than them.

    1. Drew says:

      That’s a pretty extreme example, but it shows how far some people are willing to go to stop things happening. How was the interview cancelled?

    2. Sattam Deb says:

      We have this concept in Indian cultures (and other south East Asian cultures I believe) called “Nazar” otherwise known as the “Evil Eye” – that people who have nothing but contempt for you can cause ill will just by the sheer power of jealousy. Of course all of this is all super natural type stuff and should taken with generous doses of salt – yet I cannot express to you the number of things that have happened when I checked in or uploaded a selfie with my wife at some exotic locale – whether it was a fight or flight cancellations etc.

      I don’t know what to believe but these days I choose not to share things that are remotely happy monents in my life.

  2. kenya says:

    I don’t wonna get into a long drawn out story about my life but I have always been surrouded by family that didn’t wonna mom sibs father then ended up marring a man who didn’t want to see me do anything.I never understood their response to me accomplishing something,there response would be to any achievements would be oh or um and change the subject.I found to that when I would mention employment it some how never happened.if everyone around me is someone I can’t share my happiness with,it’s hard keeping good news to yourself.

  3. Yosh says:

    Sadly while I read this I thought about my mom. She us the person that wants me to fit her mold but nothing made her happy. My dad does the same to my brother and it hurts to see that my brother tries and my dad just hates him for some reason. 🙁

    1. Lex says:

      Same as my mother. When I told her about going to an interview, she told me I’ll NEVER get it. The same day I moved out of her house!

      1. wale watu says:

        my problem is my parents confide with those family members who don’t want me to succeed only when i was at varsity is when i released ‘what was going on the people who didn’t want me to succeed were the ones giving my parents advice about my life’since my parents were less educated and poor they were listening to them,
        but thanks to god ,they had forced me to take up a scholarship to study a degree program i never liked and they knew i’d falter,so i dropped out of varsity and started following my dreams,life has been better ever since

  4. Zebra says:

    I once had a friend, who was very kind with me at a time when i was being ostracized from society. Once I started making friends, he grew distant. But then we had to intern together, and he supported me (verbally encouraged), when another had tried to conspire to get me out of the internship (this ‘another’ is a person who absolutely hates me)

    People used to tell me that this guy-my friend was very much snobbish and condescending and i didnt believe it because i didnt see it. but few weeks on into the internship he sided with EVERYONE else there, and they used to gang up on me, whispering, laughing, making snide comments(leader of the gang was obviously the guy who hated me)

    But soon enough the “enemy” left and I supposed the ganging up would stop, because i’d given them a piece of my mind the days before. But it didnt, this friend of mine proved to be a true narcissist, tried to make me look incompetant if not uncooperative. Hard situation but once i realized what they were trying to do, I lost it. They tried to ***king goad me, “how will you manage in your career, you dont like team work” blah blah blah all the while trying to corner me, and i said, it doesnt matter what you think of me [implied:i dont give a **it for your opinion]

    And yet it didnt stop, the narcissist said, “hey you know this guy from my field knows more about your field than you”, and I said, “hey that guy is so talented he’ll be the first with a job”… said it plenty of times later on too, just to annoy, because i saw how badly he reacted to that.

    Conclusion: The guy who was supposed to be the first to get the job didnt even clear the written, thanks to Mr Jealous Condescending Incompetent Narcissist (the guy was so intelligent- him not getting in was too weird) , but thankfully Mr narcissist didnt clear the prefinal round. Serves him right.

  5. Adriane says:

    I agree with you completely. And NO you are not being negative I think you are being realistic. Anybody who’s ever been in our shoes and has experienced the delibitating results of socialising or being around people like those aforementioned, knows that you are speaking the truth. BAD “FRIENDS” CAN KILL YOU. They can!!! And I know because I almost died (virtually!) because of them. Try being clinically depressed and having a bunch of “friends” around that pretend they “care” and “understand” and “do feel so sorry for you” but then as SOON as you make an attempt to move forward they a) poison you and your dreams or ignite ALL your fears and insecurities so you get paralysed (“you sure you are capable?”, “that’s just wishful thinking”, “I hope you DO make it but lets be real here…”, b) LITERALLY go out of their way to stop you (as in eg making sure you DONT get the job in their own company or make sure they give you bad rep so the person that IS interested in you and asked you out starts ignoring you…etc), c) get nasty, aggressive and vindictive and you dont even know what hit you (or why), d) vanish all together, dont care whether you are still breathing or not e) tell you that you are NOT really depressed there is NOTHING wrong with you, you are just “vain, conceated and weak” and IF you were that sick then why havent you as yet committed suicide???
    The only reason I am mentioning those issues here, that is not because I want people to feel sorry for me!! But even if your life is not at stake, “friends” like that will slow you down, put you down and use your personal circumstances to get something out of you. And NO. They dont care.
    If you want to move forward cut them off! I only saw how calm and positive I could be and how I my life was improving AFTER I got rid of those people who just used up all my time and resources and brought me down but couldnt care less.

    1. Lex says:

      Yes, and especially the last sentence, YES, YES, YES!!!!!!!!!!

      1. Lex says:

        I mean the last paragraph.

  6. Sean says:

    Very nice post,

    I am currently dealing with accepting the fact that those people you are refering to are my own family. And the reason they don’t want me to succeed, and always made me feel bad about good things I did and tried to do, is so they can protect their own ego, which will be damaged if I will do better than them, or live my dream which they can’t, or achieve something they didn’t believe I can achieve. They just want to make sure they are on top of me, and I am at the bottom and they can control me and tell me what to do, and this is PURE EVIL.

    I have no choice sadly but to lose any connection with my family, mainly my older brother, just so I can free myself and my mind and keep myself motivated and not to lose any confident in myself and my goals, which I am about to reach for sure.

    Stay strong everyone, don’t let anyone come in your way or fail you, just because it will make them feel better about themselves. or simply just because they are low, shallow, jealous people.

  7. Rob Dubya says:

    I just Googled the phrase “My family doesn’t want me to succeed” in the Google search engine and ended up here. A light bulb finally went on for me. I’ve always told myself “it’s like they don’t want me to succeed” I even told my therapist this and she said it’s not “like” they don’t want you too succeed, they “Don’t” want you too succeed. It just finally sank in just a couple minutes ago. It’s such a hard thing to bring yourself to believe and it feels like the biggest betrayal as well. I kept looking for validation from people who want to see me fail, no wonder my self esteem was shot and I never got anywhere in life. I know most people will find this hard to believe, but I know it with out a shadow of a doubt! Great article, I’m gonna go finish reading it now.

  8. Rob Dubya says:

    I have to comment again! I love how you think man! You’re very analytical and thorough! I could have a drink and B.S. with you till the cows came home! I think like this all the time. People say I’m negative too, but I know I’m being real.

  9. Myles Underwood says:

    You triggered an epiphany in my mind. My mother does not want me to succeed because she wants me to be her “little boy” so to speak. Ill never lose sight of this insight. Knowing this will encourage personal strength in seeing past other peoples opinions of who I am, and grow confidence in my own view of myself. Thank you. You have sparked a significant breakthrough that I will act on.

    1. WS says:

      I would like for CN to email me

  10. Drew says:

    Thank you folks for your comments on this post!

    I am reminded that, while it’s easy enough to identify people we know as friends and even complete strangers as being saboteurs, the hardest thing is when those people holding you back are family members. Either way it’s especially difficult when you’re living with them and have nowhere else to go.

    The only thing I would suggest is, as much as possible, keep your aspirations hidden from anyone you suspect is trying to bring you down. If you do reveal them to someone, bear this in mind: people who want the idea to work will run with it and offer suggestions, while those who want it to fail will be deliberately vague and have you focusing on the wrong things.

    Keep doing what you’re doing!

    1. Joseph says:

      This is a great place for people to connect, who want to succeed and are having ppl hold them back. I think we should all keep in contact with one another and build each other up! If anyone wants advice and support contact me here! iamheretoassist8@gmail.com Mr. Jones

  11. Dee says:

    I am literally in tears reading this because I have been feeling this in my heart for years but I did not want to accept it. Every time I have a dream, my family is the one that I tell. I mean, they should be the happiest for me right? Wrong. They are always just looking at me like I am stupid or saying reasons why I cannot achieve my dreams. This has affected my self-esteem to the core. I have even been afraid of being successful because of it. I think that people want the worst for you because misery loves company. I also think that they are simply afraid that if you become all that you can be, then you will leave them behind… Now, I can shine and move forward and KEEP MY DREAMS TO MYSELF. Thank you from the bottom of my heart because you just saved my life! Xoxo 🙂

  12. Aneesh says:

    I couldn’t agree more with what you have just said. I seem to be in a dog eat dog culture at the moment where everybody is out for themselves, I am struggle to adapt to this because my personality doesn’t fit into that environment. I am generally a nice person who looks for genuine friendship and trust. If I find people who are sly and calculative I get sour and completely shut off to them. I don’t know how to deal with these people at work, they are very judgemental and look for any excuse to put me down in everything. They try bully me for being a virging (i’m not) I just dont go around telling people about my personal life. I often get a lot of shit from people because I keep quiet & don’t have great comebacks. I am also one of the most skilled and qualified people in the work place and feel as thought I don’t get the credit I deserve. The culture and people I am around at the moment could effect my career and general morale. Sometimes I feel depressed! How do I deal/cope with this situation? Would much appreciate some advice, thank you.

    1. Shari says:

      Have you found some coping strategies Aneesh. You speak of a cultural divide. Maybe there are strengths that you can draw upon from your culture that could staunch some of this bullish behavior ?

      Shari

  13. Victor Villalobos says:

    Thank you man this is what i was looking for thankyou.

  14. Clay says:

    Aneesh.. I’m the same and I don’t have an answer either LOL. I don’t want to bring them down or use their tactics because I resent those type of actions. Choose your side and be happy you are not joining in on their circus I guess. You know that you are not betraying in what you believe in when you do not use their ways and that makes you a strong person that has found comfort in peace. They will press you all your life as you take the road of the meek and humble. It’s mistaken as weakness from the fool and it threatens the actions they have chosen.

    Pick up the bible.. it has all kinds of answers

    Bye

  15. Dawn M. Goodman says:

    I agree with your main ideas in this article I am currently experiencing exactly what you said about the behavior of people who do not want you to succeed in life. Thank you for putting it in print for the world to see. Soul destroyers need to be exposed for who and what they are to the world.

  16. anonymous says:

    Thank you for creating this article. This is very true with my immediate family aunts, uncle, mother, sister etc. I got the message a long time ago to stop communicating with them or giving out free things and help, because they don’t recipicate. I have been homeless twice. Being a student that works and lives off school loans to pay bills etc and taking summer jobs.

    Certain individuals in my family say I am unmotivated, using my family, spoiled, selfish, manipulitive, and call me the racist word against LGBT people. (A good example right now I’m selling my high price electronics at a steep discount to move for my summer internship but no donations or takers within the family) My mother who has the personality of the waterboy mom in the movie with Adam Sandler is a highly religious southern baptist will not provide the email address to link her the items I’m selling. My mother even told me she’s jealous of me living with my great aunt while going to school. I am making honor roll and doing summer Investment Banking internship out of state. I invested in the stock market to get experience to help with getting a IB internship which I did, the first thing my mom asks me is did I lose all my money yet.

    When I do very well, there is no praise. I have attempted a few times to be close to my family, but there is no praise or happy birthday, merry christmas, veteran day etc. My uncle for example will ask me to teach him how to use the computer, but never return my phone calls, tells me to call him at a later date and does not answer, or be busy tending his horses. Really his wife controls the house btw. She dislikes me a lot. That is a whole story unto itself. My ex-wife was from the Phillipines and she is from the Phillipines.

    Most of the hate has to do with me not being straight and a previous marriage with a woman who was a habitual liar that called my family every time she was upset or drunk and cheated on me. I used to be a mother’s boy. Since I’ve grown up, I realize the falicy in that which let me to have terrible extrovert social skills. <==I'm always improving on this. I'm really a great salesman professionialy. (After many books) but in a social gathering after work I would not be the cool guy. <== still the unpopular introvert. I called out how hypocriticial my mom acts towards me wanted me in wanting me to comform to her mold and do everything she says right or wrong. Some individuals in my family want to force me to conform to their standards, if I did that they still would treat me the same way. I'm positive of this. Also, I realized after my failed marriage that I picked up some of the very poor relationship choices that my mother had with her failed relationships and marriages. I am focusing not to make those same mistakes again and trying to improve my life so I can be debt free again, but I realise now that my family will never be accepting of me so I don't need to worry about it. Just become the philantropist and forget out them except my aunt who let me live with her to finish my undergradate degree. Just get my degree and GTFO of the south. Once again thank you so much for this article. I can't have family that does not want you to succeed in life. They say one thing and act against your dreams in life.

  17. Pam says:

    Amazing!! So many of the comments above have told my life story. I recently cut ties with my entire family. Never really had their support. So sad that things have to be this way.

    Speaking of which, I have desperately being trying to figure out what it is about me that people hate so much that they want to see me fail. Is it a certain vibe I’m giving off?! I not only have this issue with family but also people I work with and my neighbors. One day I took off work to get some things done in my yard. A neighbor came rushing over to me and asked, “why are you home, did you lose your job?” I said no, I took a vacation day. My neighbor scuffed and said agh and left. That was the strangest thing. Had another neighbor that turned his water hose on right when I finished staining my fence for the day. He waited until I went inside before he did it. A gut feeling told me to look outside and sure enough my neighbor had his sprinkler watering my newly stained fence. I worked hard on my fence and the fact that the stain was being washed away had my pressure way up. I ran over and told him to stop watering my fence. What added fuel to the fire is that my neighbor never waters his grass. I haven’t seen him use his water hose since. Aaaarrrrgghhh!! People just hate to see me get ahead and it’s really frustrating me.

    Anyway, this is my favorite line from the post. I am going to keep reminding myself of it … People who want you to succeed are people who accept you for who you are, right now, including your shortcomings. So far I have not met those people and I am almost 40 years old. 🙁

    1. Joseph says:

      Pam I would Like to connect with you and talk with you on the phone. I am a life coach and I suspect that you have some pretty awesome qualities that have people secretly envious of you. Get in contact with me, seriously I know what you are going through and I can at least give you some emotional support! My email is iamheretoassist8@gmail.com . Yeah people see something special in you and they hate you for it! I am Mr. Jones by the way.

      1. Jenn says:

        This is my life. I’m always called special and abused persecuted for it. My family and many others seek to bring me down and it’s really hard. Neighbors too hate me and it’s crazy. Joseph is this the reason people do this because someone is positive and great? It makes no sense to me thanks

  18. Joseph says:

    Pam I would Like to connect with you and talk with you on the phone. I am a life coach and I suspect that you have some pretty awesome qualities that have people secretly envious of you. Get in contact with me, seriously I know what you are going through and I can at least give you some emotional support!

  19. babylon1 says:

    my father says i should turn a police officer instead of going to university.

  20. Peter Bisuito says:

    Hello my name is Peter. I started a career in Stand Up Comedy a few years ago. I’ve been doing very well with my journey. I travel the country and perform on cruise ships. My comedy was also seen on Oprah a few years ago. I cannot tell you how many friends I have lost because of this. It seems the more successful my comedy becomes, the more friends I lose. It’s very sad because I love my friends dearly. It seems as though they don’t want to be a part of my journey and stick by me through good times and bad. They just give up their friendship with me because I’m no longer chasing the dollar, but instead…chasing my dream.

  21. Angela B says:

    THIS! How do I minimize the effect of these people. And most managers or supervisors are like this. No wonder people are so unhappy at work.

  22. jason says:

    i am so glad you voiced this. ive always beleived in my own mind that people do this kindve stuff on purpose. however ive also thought that maybe i was paranoid and had problems for thinking people were like that. the worst part is that if you ever try to call people out on it they will gang up on you and make you beleive that you are messed up in the head or have issues. ever since i started spending all of my time alone and only listening to myself my life has only gotten better. learn to love yourself people. youll find that you are your best wingman.

  23. Ms. Vaz says:

    This article really helped, i knew i was crazy…my own family. I admire successful people..i also enjoy seeing people happy…and it hurts to know that want to be better thsn others..and rather use u or hurt you…rather than love you..

  24. Ms. Vaz says:

    This article really helped, i knew i wasnt crazy…my own family. I admire successful people..i also enjoy seeing people happy…and it hurts to know that want to be better thsn others..and rather use u or hurt you…rather than love you..

  25. Deanna says:

    I too have these problems on a daily basis. I have been on several medications and lots of therapy, the more I succeed the more everyone hates me, or doesn’t believe my stories of what it took to get here, one Aunt said I must be good in the bedroom, I haven’t talked to her again. My mother is in the same profession and us so jealous we can’t talk, both brothers hate me because my husband is more successful then them. Strangers are rude to us, they give a look like we’re displeasing. So I fill my day with gifts for ourselves reading selfhelp books to help me understand people, a badass new car, a cute Pomeranian that goes to pet training classes, gutiar lessons, and a nice ride on my beach bike, on the beach!!! So, I might not have a bunch of friends, or family!! But I’m off the medication so I can have my life back, and be more successful!!!

  26. Nao25 says:

    I was very moved by reading your post. Thank u for putting into words what ive been feeling all my life. It all makes sense now.

  27. Leeza says:

    I finally realized my family is super toxic for me. My whole life my parents did not really want me to succeed and were never truly happy about any of my accomplishments. Married a narcissistic man who also wanted me to fail. After 20 years, I finally left him. Just recently I realized how toxic all these people around me were and are. This includes a super competitive and envious older sister who copies me and puts me down in very sneaky, clever ways that I did not really see until recently. I’m keeping my distance from them and when I’m around them, I’m NO LONGER TELLING THEM ABOUT MY DREAMS OR SUCCESSES. In fact, just for fun, whenever I am forced to talk to any of them, I’m going to make up all kinds of “amazing” fake things that are happening to me (to both throw them off the trail, and to watch them squirm with jealousy!!!). They don’t deserve my friendship.

  28. Thomas says:

    Drew is correct. I am in the same situation and am presently happily being used while I am making money. Everyone in my family-including my own mother, all saw me as the achiever since I was a kid and for some reason I was smashed into that role way back. Whatever. As long as I made (exponentially) more money I could command them to not make fun of me and just allow me to keep making (exponentially) more money. Money that hopefully will satiate them, and even distract them from the ultimate fantasy they have-I somehow die and leave them sh1tloads of dough. They would not sincerely care either way as long as I produce while I am alive.

    I am almost 50, am tired, and probably won’t last more than 5 or so years statistically.
    It sounds like a miserable life and it is. Drew’s post somehow caught my attention today when I was waiting for my car and whined at the internet from my phone. Some keyphrases were used such as “why does everyone gang up on me?”. I read the post and wondered why everyone doesn’t know what he is saying. I mean this refreshed what they taught us since birth: there are roles and everyone will be jealous of the roles they need us in.

    It is indeed a miserable life, but at least they taught us the rules to make it a fair fight. They informed us that there actually is a difference between males and females; that there are bad people everywhere and you should pay attention for yourself and your family. Be circumspect and watch out for everything but don’t be paranoid. But the one rule was that you absolutely must choose your allies wisely in this game. I have forged many long term genuine friendships that last until this day. Myself I am jealous of some of them and so is my wife because we probably wish we were them. I would never say anything differently to them though. I wouldn’t put them down I would admit that I think they mastered the game more than us.

    Anyway Drew said it and it has to be said. I am sorry that this is the way things are. I think it all distills down to the one fact that all humans hate the truth. Example: Christianity in its original form was radical because it wanted to involve “real” truth somewhere. Uh oh. In its original form Christianity probably lasted a day-as was foretold! Go figure

    Some are good at this game and have found peace without denial. They chose allies wisely. I was never good at this game and I chose poorly. I still have some loyal friends, though. Every now and then I read posts like this and reflect on my life. I don’t like myself very much and so it doesn’t last long. My wife and children love me but in the limited way that they can. I think I was happy in my early 30s for awhile. Staying very fit and attractive didn’t turn out to matter much in these roles for most men. Nobody really sees any of us anyway. Not unless we do something stupid-then they will notice.

    Oh and if I see someone succeeding, I applaud them. I publicly discourage antics in the workplace. We also have no tolerance for passive-aggressive antics. I am not sure about the States, but here everyone knows that everyone will misbehave and some will be fired for simply starting a frenzy at the cooler.

    I would never hurt anyone that way if they did better than me. Perhaps I am missing that killer instinct and that is why I am not making even more money.But I think choosing friends and family early is more crucial than being an ice cube. The key is to choose the healthy friends as early as possible and get used to it. Otherwise you will get sucked in like the rest of us. It is never too late though. I am too lazy to do it at this point.

    Sincerely,

    Thomas

  29. Marty says:

    Thank you everyone for your comments that helped me crawl out of a hole today. Your experiences tell my life story. Everything from family to work to friends and neighbors I’ve experienced all of these things. I believe many of us have been the targets of sociopaths, jealous and envious people. Enjoy your successes and consider the envy and resentment we have all endured as a success tax. Right now I am taking my wife and son out for a lovely dinner… because we deserve it. I will check back often to look in on you guys because your comments lifted me tonight. Marty.

  30. Nana says:

    Loved the article.. My ‘friend’ actually tries to stop me from succeeding just because she wants to be (or get) better than me, yeah it sounds a little childish (sorry!). SHe didn’t do anything the entire semester and her parents are now forcing her to get better grades, that’s great for her! But the problem is that she actually tried to stop me from studying in a very sneaky way. She asked me what i was going to do after going home and i just said ‘ i dont know’ then she said, ‘dont make homework, relaxation is also important.. Don’t make anything!’ Yeah sure, but why would a ‘friend’ be like that? Friends shouldnt be like that.. Right? Anyways thanks for reading this haha

  31. norzo says:

    Drew that’s so true .. I feel every part of your speech. I’m going through the same hiccups in the same circle with the same people. Then I realised there is one thing they have in common they are all utterly selfish that want everything for themselves and won’t give back at time of help. Convenience to their own it’s far more important than considering for others and wishing the best for them. The worst part is my sister is one of them, it breaks my heart, she always rude then nice then as soon you drop your guard she is mean back again. I’m fed up with her and her drama. Cutting off people that weigh you down is way better than keeping them around, because honestly you will never progress in such an environment. I’m exhausted frankly for all this quicksand. Recover, be strong, and becareful who you confide, is what I have learnt. 🙂

  32. Danboogey says:

    This is soo very true unfortunately. I know because I am going through this right now. I am definitely at fault..but aren’t they too? No one is perfect.. and people can be soo self righteous. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw rocks.

  33. Greg Rodgers says:

    A well-written article, thank you.

  34. Alison says:

    Thanks so much for this article! The comments are awesome too. One of my gold for 2015 is to change my circle of friends.

  35. Nicole says:

    Thanks to everyone and Drew. This is really an excellent article. One of my goals this 2015 is to learn to protect myself better. Dale Carnegie’s stuff doesnt help me much since I’m an introvert. Every time I’m happy, it is very scary, waiting for the saboteurs..:) and then ypure quiet and they don’t like you either..that is when you know!!!!

  36. Chris says:

    Telling the truth is a positive thing even if the truth is harsh. Nice job.

  37. Yaw says:

    Thanks for this article. It is an eye opener.

  38. Grace says:

    I honestly feel like my “friends” are going against me. I created a cancer club at my school and as founder I thought it was right for me to be president. We are going in for our third year and this will be my senior year. Lately we have organized a lot of fundraisers and we have raised a lot of money. Another girl is very charismatic and has been trying hard these last two months. Now they no longer want me as president. Instead they say i should be a “founder”, but i felt completely undermined by them. Now they are telling me that I dont deserve the position as much as she does. I feel like she is only trying because it is crunch time and she needs to put something in her college app. She wants me to care for her, but no one is recognizing my efforts. I know that they will plot against me, im just disappointed in myself for not realizing before. They see that my grades are good and that I will go to a good school and they are just craving some of that success; im just angry that they have to push me over.

    1. Solomon Montrond says:

      Obviously you were aware of the facts so no need to fret about yourself. Sounds like your focus was on doing good things with the club vs dealing with rats; thus the reason for their jealousy.

  39. Alex says:

    Spot on Drew,

    I’ve experienced that and I can tell you have too. Some of your “friends” don’t actually want to you to succeed. Or at least not beyond their own success.

    That couldn’t be more true, and it’s also why friends should be picked extremely carefully.

    1. CN says:

      I would agree with this here. I have a good idea (spirit tells me to write “have” and not “had” – or – maybe its just my ego).

      Years ago, I was working on a project. I thought spirit wanted me to do it: got extension money from the govt (when laid off). Got a windfall of unexpected money, even got a third confirmation. A guy even came along who could help me with it (initially, he did not know what to do but I nurtured him until he turned into a program diva – LOL) I just knew I was supposed to do it – there were so many synchronicities.

      I got calls from “friends” pretty much to see where I was – had I failed yet? Etc. The idea was for a business – I am a programmer – and – had fear when presenting such an idea due to bad experiences. After all, I had the idea and hired someone to part of it together. He would not tell me how it was done and the code was documented minimally. I feared that i I did not know how to fix it, then all would fail. If they found out I hired someone to do it, they would bypass me and go to him (even though we worked on it together for 2 years).

      I was at a loss – asked co-workers (who were “friends”). One said he could not find anyone in Asia to do front-end work (even though he knew a lot of people in the area). I was a back-end programmer (Databases, services, etc.). Not front-end (putting together User Interfaces). Another told me he would look at it – but – because he had an allegiance to his brother (who was also in IT) anything he found he would report back to him (the brother). A third took the stance of “I’lll hold your coat”. Saw me struggling to get it noticed/recognized but did nothing – he did – however – tell me to let him know how everything came out.I thought WTF for?!? You would not do anything.

      So – years later, I have to get a job. The money is gone and the IT industry is in shambles. I have had to take *very hard* jobs for small money just to pay the bills. Each year, finding a job became harder and harder due to the outsourcing (I think). The one who could not find anyone in Asia tried to get me a job (he said I would have to earn in the ’60s). The second and third did nothing. I was so miffed! I mean – you call all the time to see how things are going (because you know damn well it was a good idea).You won’t help me with ANYTHING there but then when i need to get a job to stay afloat, you won’t help me with that either.

      I wish I did have someone in my corner – a mentor of sorts. According to pastors, you should push yourself along – that is true – but after 7 years of pushing, you get tired – esp when you see no progress in any direction. Also, I noticed that on TV when people attempt to lose a lot of weight (because they are obese), they HAVE to have a coach because it is such a big undertaking – to go from obesity to normal.

      I had asked god/the universe for this – ironically, the ONLY thing i saw that gave me some remote encouragement was this: https://youtu.be/lQu2arZ4mDk?t=1m54s

      That little piece gave me courage to keep on going – until all of the bills came, Citibank came, and looking for work got “interesting”…

  40. henry kafunda says:

    you are really a genius

  41. Malena says:

    You make everything clear – Thanks for your post. I’ve thought for a long time- why do I care about that? But I do.

  42. Alie says:

    i really need help with this please email me

  43. Claire says:

    Personally, I’ve been trying to get help with my mental health and I became friends with another lady who needed help with her mental health too, and as soon as I was offered help she started trying to force me to drink and take drugs, she just wouldn’t stop harassing me. I stood my ground and said no as the help is so important to me. Then I was offered medication to help me in times of severe distress, and she was trying to bully me into giving her my medication. She’s been very sly, she knows I have issues with my big sister, so she’s been calling herself my big sister and things like that. She doesn’t want me to get better, she wants me to stay ill, as she wants to stay ill, so I’m currently trying to cut ties with her, but she won’t let go yet…I don’t want to be mean to her, but if she continues to push me I will have to lose my temper. It’s so sad as I would be over the moon if she got better.

  44. Solomon Montrond says:

    From day one, I was bullied and neglected by just about everyone I’ve come in contact with, including my family. This might sound like an exaggeration.

    The personal strengthening and healing comes in dribs & drabs, sometimes more rapidly. I hope that there will come a victorious day for each victim. I’m at a loss for words because Drew has covered just about everything. My mother used to say that “These people are worse off than you if they feel they have to put you down.” Well, I’m sure she is right but it doesn’t stop the agony of the situation. It’s gotten to the point where I’m paranoid just leaving the house, or even posting this in public. I imagine getting strange phone calls with people mocking my words on this site.

    Anyhow, I wasn’t expecting to be floored by Drew’s words but I am!

  45. Brian says:

    I found the solution to this problem, for myself. It is quite simply “religion.” I am a 41 year old male who grew up in a religious family. Religion does something to us mentally. Religion divides people. Being religious made me judge my coworkers negatively. I had quit several good paying jobs, because i thought all of my coworkers were “sinners.” I recently stop praying and reading the bible, and have notice a great improvement within myself. My parents are hardcore christians, and we hardly talk now, but it’s cool. Because I now see why they did and still don’t want me to succeed. It’s mind control. So, i would ask you, are you religious, or anyone you are having problems with? I am not an expert, but willing to help anyone take the shackle of “depression” of your mind, before you waste another day by wondering what’s wrong with the people around you. b.manuel1974@yahoo.com.

  46. marc says:

    I’m a 38 year old fella and by an act of God I’ve decided to research that particular subject and found you. Everything you have just described is in my life.

    I had to make a serious effort to distance myself from mostly my family. You see my mother is a doctor. She is kind of uppity with a serious superiority complex that she likes to hide. She is sure that doctors come after Gods. My father divorced her a long time ago. He was not a good man. Although she has never moved on, she became enraged at men in general throughout the years and there started my problem. She has raised my sisters to be this way as well.

    I would have thought of my academic and professional achievements as great gifts to a hard working mother yet they are always met with lukewarm reactions or persisting mistrust. Seems like I can never win. I’m never worthy of praises of pride like my sister who has a phd, or my other cousins who are doctors. I’m never to be trusted with family affairs because I’m just a man and a little brother at that. I can never be managing anything she owns, It’s for her daughters only. If I go through hardship, I deserved it because I’m a man, society is in my favor anyway. If I achieve, well you’re not that big of a deal, remember your sister, she has a phd, not you. If I got hurt by a woman, what did you do to make her mad? It’s always an automatic condemnation of my person, a conditional admission of my potential. I’m never worthy, or innocent. I’m just existing and they will define whatever I need to be.

    You see I’m an artist. I draw comics. I’ts my passion. I’d ratter die then to not draw comics. I’ve been drawing since the age of 3, now I’m 38. It is what I love the most. All of my life She’s being undermining my work constantly through her passive-aggressive opinions about other artists or her praise for everything I’m not into. Her actions betrays her true feelings about me as well. It has gotten to a point where she started lying when I confronted her fallacy. She does not like my life, or my wife, or my line of work and she goes to long stretches to let me know that she values doctors like herself or white collar work more than artists.

    I made the choice to go very far from her. It had gotten to a point where she would spy on me or lie to prevent me from accessing certain things in my life. I had to deconstruct the education of self doubt that she had given me. I’m working on my dream now after years of sacrifice and psychological reparation. I don’t share my happiness with her. It’s always the same. She applauds first just to open the gate to criticize and destroy my confidence. God gave me talent. I’m passionate about drawing. She has always tried to demean that through her actions. I even went to college, graduated just to please her. She still treated me like someone she could not respect. It’s been years away from her and I was finally able to build so much of my dream. In my 38 years of age, I had never been applauded by so many people I did not even know. She is not there to enjoy that with me and it hurts, my sisters are not there because they are as miserable and never followed their won dreams. I’ve had to ride this train with my wife and my kids who love what I do so much.

    I thank God every day for my wife. When I met her I was broken psychologically, I was constantly against what I needed to be because I did not believe in myself indoctrinated by what my mother had always believed to be truth. She never admitted her wrongs. I struggle sometimes with accepting her as my mother, until I met your post. This article is so powerful, and the comments OMG, I did not know so many people were going through this.

    Thank you so much. You saved my life.

  47. The One says:

    My friends are pussys. Can’t tell me to my face what’s up. It’s getting old 4real. Gotta steal my friends and put me down is just petty and desperate. Put them down in the process. Shows what a fake bunch pussy whooped nobody’s are. Agree quick on some bullshit against me in hopes for a dick mop.

  48. The One says:

    I got to say this.. If you ain’t got haters then you ain’t done shit. They fear me afraid I’m gonna shut them down by taking there business. It’s sad what people will do to insure this trade. It takes a sorry person to do this and there ways will ultimately come back on them just wait and see. No respect for the game. Gotta respect the game. My success now had others wanting the same good luck. I did my time payed my dues do you got it In you?

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