Folks, I’m going to be real with you for a couple of minutes.

The last couple of months have been particularly rough. You might have heard me mention it a few times in previous posts. In fact, most of this year has been pretty rough so far. From the beginning of the year, even though I was determined to put myself forward in my creative endeavours, I was very nervous and even scared about what 2011 would bring.

I’m right in the middle of a serious financial struggle at the moment, with no feasible way out at present. The main cause of this financial struggle was one of these recruitment agencies, whom – despite receiving information about my umbrella company a full week before the fact – paid the wrong umbrella company a week’s worth of pay. This caused a massive shortfall, meaning I couldn’t pay my rent and other bills. The recruitment company called it a “minor error”, and over a month later they’d paid the money – with no interest. My useless-as-f*** umbrella company basically sat there and did nothing.

Times have gotten desperate, and I’ve been putting some of my most valuable items up for sale (including my DSLR camera, and part of my Lego collection) in various places online, hoping to raise enough money to cover next month’s rent. So far I haven’t come close: apart from a few good people on BrickLink coming to my aid, I’ve been surrounded by people who just don’t want to help.

This situation draws parallels to the last time I’d been left in this position, where another recruitment company had kept my payday a secret, which eventually forced me back into permanent work. I’ve been resisting going back to a permanent job: 1) because I remember how I’d felt going back the last time, and 2) because it wouldn’t be fair on the company to hire someone who would probably get bored after three months. Going back to permanent work seems like the only viable solution right now, but it’s a short-term solution in my book.

As a side note: this whole experience has reinforced my belief that “positive thinking” is 100%, utter, complete absolute bull****. Up until two weeks ago I was very confident that things would eventually be sorted out, and I’d even found myself trying to keep upbeat and calm – but the crap just kept piling and piling, and certain people were helping less and less. Neither “positive thinking” nor prayer seems to have helped, further reinforcing my belief in fate.

On and on I could probably go about my mood, how evil people supposedly are etc., but probably nobody is listening anyway.

The only thing I have to say right now, to anyone is listening, is this: when times get really hard, and you find yourself having to make sacrifices to make ends meet, and you have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring, the last thing you need is a commentator: someone just standing there and staring at you, talking down to you and basically rehashing everything that’s happened. As someone who’s been through it so many times it hurts, there’s no worse feeling in the world than having to do everything yourself, feeling like there’s no way out of a situation, and being surrounded by nothing but commentators.

This is why it’s important – and I’ve often stressed this – to know exactly who and what you have in your corner. When those times get really hard, you want to know there’s at least one person around who has your back. I’m not talking about a guardian angel, or someone who bails you out whenever you get into trouble – just someone who provides encouragement. Someone who assures you that everything’s going to be all right, when you’ve lost all hope. Because nothing’s more encouraging than having at least one person around who gives a damn about you, when it feels like there’s millions of people who don’t.

The only good thing to come out of the last two or so weeks is this: if I make it past the beginning of next month, it will be my first anniversary as a freelancer – and on the way to the longest job I’ve had. I also feel like things will be a lot smoother after this whole thing is over… if it’s ever over.