One of the reasons for going back to freelancing, instead of remaining an employee and a slave, was the idea of taking control back over my life. I would be able to take time off of working whenever I wanted (that is, deciding when and if I work), so I could spend more time doing other things, and I would be able to pick and choose the kind of work I would be doing. The idea was to live life on my own terms.

On Thursday this week, after experiencing an incredibly rough week on the job, I hastily decided to terminate a contract, on the grounds that I was being made a scapegoat for the client’s apparent lack of planning and organisation. It wasn’t a decision made lightly; I gave them every opportunity to prove that they could manage properly. I even did my best to adapt to the situation, and questioned myself as to whether I was being unreasonable, or if there were things that could have been done better.

I don’t want to say it, but it has to be said: what I experienced when I stood up and raised the issue amounted to blackmail.

In no uncertain terms I was told – both by the client and the recruitment agent involved – that, if I did end the contract and give my notice (which of course I was “free to do”), it would have “serious ramifications” – namely the client AND the agent would encourage giving me a bad reference and preventing me from finding other freelance work by spreading gossip. According to the agent (who was dropped immediately afterwards), I am “just a freelancer” and I had to put up with it.

I told that story to highlight one particular recurring theme, that has happened throughout my life: that saying “no” to certain things, while considered assertive, can be very risky and sometimes dangerous for the person saying it.

I’m sure you know of at least one person who finds excuses to insert an ignorant mantra, such as

Can’t you just say no?

or

You’ve got to learn to say no

or if they’re a So-Called Positive Person, they might go as far as saying

You need to learn to say no.

And they’re right for the most part: we ought to be able to say “no” to situations that aren’t in our best interests, just as often as we say “yes”. It’s perfectly fine to say “no”…

…except when they’re the person you’re saying “no” to.

I will bet you 100 to 1 that every single person you’ve known, who’s told you to stand up for yourself and say “no”, has reacted badly when you’ve tried to say “no” to them.

I’ll go double or nothing and suggest that, rather than actually demonstrating assertiveness, they became aggressive. They want to have their way so bad, and you saying “no” prevents them having it – so they resort to name-calling, dirt-slinging, digging up history, chain-complaining, manipulation and even making threats. You may even be accused of being “uppity” if race is involved.

The goal for the person who gets mad over someone saying “no” isn’t just to get their way. By reacting so dramatically to someone simply saying “no”, they are trying to discourage that person from saying “no” ever again, to anybody. They’re basically trying to implant the message that saying “no” would have “serious ramifications“.

It all has to do with these people being afraid of being wrong about something, and desperately trying to convince other people that they are “right”.

HOW DARE YOU NOT CONFORM TO WHAT I WANT!

is the underlying message.

One other thing I want to add is that saying “no” can also have these “serious ramifications” if you’re saying “no” to yourself. If you have a gut feeling about something, and you decide to say “no” to them (going against your instincts), the outcome is usually disastrous.

Whether you say “no” or otherwise: once an outcome is determined, it begins a spiral. If one has a good outcome as a result of saying “no”, it gets easier to say “no” in future. On the flip side, having a bad outcome as a result of saying “no” will make it much harder for someone to say “no” in future.

And as I’ve learned the hard way: peers, friends, family, employers, clients and bad recruitment people (there are actually some good ones) would absolutely love you to think you can’t say “no”. Then, they would have you on their keychain.

I think life is way too valuable, and time way too precious to be spending around people who are part of the problem. They never have your interests in mind; they are just out for what they can scrounge for themselves.